I’ve been a bit absent in the blogosphere this week – too busy celebrating my birthday, entertaining family visitors, and enjoying the 2 plus feet of snow we got in the Wasatch while also trying to catch up with work and recover from my SEND at the Buffalo 50K this past weekend.

So I finished the big race and knocked off numero dos on the life list.  I did it and surprised the hell out of myself.  I don’t think I have ever been so proud of myself.  Not just because I finished the race but also because I finished the race smiling.

Can't believe I am still smiling

The only goal I had for the race was to finish.  I wasn’t aiming for any specific time, I just wanted to make it across the finish line.  Well I guess I had one more goal and that was to finish the race with a smile on my face.  I tend to crash or hurl during the last few miles of the race and usually cross the finish line looking super pissed off.

One unfortunate thing about running in the desert is that there are no trees (or really anything) to obscure your view.  I could see the finish line for miles before I ever got there, which I thought would be torturous but instead rejuvenated me.  I have no idea how I could feel suddenly energized after being on my feet for 7 hours – maybe some sort of evolutionary survival instinct kicked in.  I couldn’t have shed that smile off my face if someone paid me.  I probably ran that last mile faster than any of the other 31 and approached the finish line laughing and smiling.  I was elated or quite possibly delirious.

Feeling stoked pre-race

Halfway through the race I had made a promise to myself that I would never do this again and now I am searching race listings for another.  I definitely draw the line at the 50K though (during my race there was a simultaneous 50-miler, those people must be nuts).  Now that I know I can run a 50K  I want to see if I can pick up the pace a little (since I ran super slow).

Here’s a bit more about the race itself if you’re interested.

Oh so cold at the start!

The Buffalo 50K is on Antelope Island on the Great Salt Lake and involves 2-laps of a sixteen-mile course with amazing views of the Great Salt Lake and the Wasatch, Oquirrh, and Stansbury Mountains.  The course is a mix of double-track and some seriously awesome single-track.  The trail for the most part is rolling with a bunch of steep ascents thrown in.  Quite sandy at times, my new Dirty Girl Gaiters worked fabulous – not only are they super cute, I didn’t even get a grain of sand in the shoes.

The race started at 8am and oh was it chilly.  It was around 35 degrees and the wind whipping off the lake made it feel even colder.  My toes were totally numb the first few miles until we crested the first big hill and got a little sun.  The rest of the day was absolutely gorgeous, the most perfect day I could imagine.

Views of the Great Salt Lake from Antelope Island

My hip flexors cramped up pretty bad at the halfway point and I am pretty sure I won’t do a race again where you need to do multiple laps of the course.  Imagine running 16 miles just so you can return to the same place you started and do it all over again.  Laps suck!  With crampy hips and a crappy attitude, I definitely felt like quitting at this point but I just kept going and eventually got over the hump.

The race peeps were wonderful and I really love the energy of these races.  I didn’t hear a single negative word or catch a single negative vibe out on the race course.  All the other racers are encouraging and supportive – even the pukers didn’t have an ill word to say.  At around the 27-mile point I pass a man that looks like utter death and ask him how he’s doing and he responds, “Great!  I couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful day.”  Sheesh I wish the rest of my world was like this.

The Buffalo of Antelope Island

Tomorrow I am getting up at the ass crack of dawn and running my first ultramarathon – 32-miles of dirt, sand, and rock.  And mind you I am no hardcore – I simply decided to attack something on the life list.

This morning, I revisited the life list hoping to rouse some confidence and panicked.  Then I did what any reasonably human being would do and bought a hula-hoop.  The truth is I didn’t want to fail miserably at the first thing I attempted on my life list so in order to make myself feel better I successfully accomplished a superficial task and purchased a cutie hoop from HipEHoops on Etsy.  Plus I’ve really wanted a serious hula hoop for some time now and it collapses and can fit into a backpack – stoke!

I can’t remember the last time I tried to do something that I wasn’t very well sure I could do – maybe I have never done anything I didn’t feel totally capable of.  I quite honestly don’t know if I can run 32 miles and this isn’t just the pre-race jitters talking.  50-kilometers is a long ass way and up until 3-years a go I had never run over a 5K.  Sure I’ve trained but seriously what the freak was I thinking?!?

Last night I listened to this Buddhist meditation talk and it spoke about acknowledging your fears as away of accepting them and letting them go… So what am I afraid of?  My hamstrings cramping up, hurling, my ankle swelling up (cuz it does that sometimes for no apparent reason), passing out, quitting and then having to tell everyone that I suck, losing control of my bowels (all you long distance runners out there will understand this one and the rest of you will go ewe), weird leg itchy phenomenon, and getting charged by buffalos (yes buffalos).

I know I have the cardio to make it that far but there are just too many other factors and I seriously question the ability of my stomach to deal with such stress.  I love this Sunny Blende quote – “Ultras are just eating and drinking contests, with a little exercise and scenery thrown in.”  I totally agree.  I just get so darned hungry (I am blessed with a super high metabolism) and tend to eat everything in sight at the aid stations.  I regretfully grabbed a handful of candy corn towards the end of the last race I did and sadly hurled them up right before the finish line.

So tomorrow when you wake up – think of me running.  Then tomorrow when you are enjoying your weekend brunch and drinking mimosas – think of me running.  Then tomorrow when you are reading a book and taking your afternoon nap – think of me running.  Then tomorrow when you start thinking about eating dinner – think of me still running…

Plans are shaping up for the summer months – plane tickets are getting bought, guidebooks are being perused, cutie beach dresses are getting tried on, and I’ve started worrying about what the hell I am going to do with Frank.

Frank is a bird.

About a year and a half ago a co-worker of mine was enjoying her morning coffee on her porch and heard a little tweet.  She looked up from her paper and there was this little cockatiel sitting on her fence.  She walked over to the bird, stuck her finger out and the bird hopped on.

Having a weak spot in my heart for orphaned animals, I agreed to take Frank in while we searched for her owners and well… we never did find them and then last week I almost lost her.

Frank in Thoughtful Reflection

You see birds are prey animals so they typically don’t show any signs of illness or weakness until it is too late, which means by the time you figure out your bird is sick they are already knocking on birdy heaven’s door.

Frank was sleeping a bit more than normal last Thursday, but I thought nothing of it.  I spent the afternoon working at the library and returned home to a quiet house.  Frank typically freaks when she hears the turn of the key – but I opened the door and heard nothing.  She was fluffed up in the corner of her cage and something just wasn’t right.  I opened the door to her cage and she didn’t come busting out like usual.  I offered Frank her favorite treat and she just turned her head away.  I took her out and placed her on my shoulder while I googled what to do.  And that is when she projectile vomited onto my laptop and I freaked.  I called the first bird vet to come up in the google search and they told me that she needed to see a vet stat.

Even Birds Need a Little Love

Had I not been attentive and noticed changes in her behavior it would have been too late.  Frank got to the vet just in time and with a shot of antibiotics in the belly was nearly back to her old self the next morning.

The image of little Frankie hurling on her perch while I rush her to the vet all the way across town (in rush hour during a snowstorm of course) just breaks my heart.  Tears were streaming down my face as I begged her to hang in there and reassured her that everything will be ok.  It wasn’t until that moment that I realized you could actually fall in love with a stupid little bird.

Who knew that a bitty bird could have so much personality.  Frank absolutely hates bluegrass music but loves reggae beats.  She likes taking baths in the morning but steers clear of water in the afternoon.  She loves noodles, shoelaces, bubble wrap and all forms of corn – popcorn, corn on the cob, and especially corn chips.  She can hear me open up a bag of chips from the other room and then she loves to dive bomb me to score some bites.

Yummy Popcorn

It pains me that she is a bird trapped in a house – that she will never find bird love, have babies, or know what it is like to hang out with the flock chilling high up in the trees.  Sometimes I wish she was a dog…

I am trying to give her a good life – she gets lots of treats, head rubs, and as much freedom as I can offer.

As for where Frank is going to go when I am traveling all summer, I have no clue.  I’ve thought about trying to find her a new family, driving her to my parents house in Wisconsin, or hoping that one of my friends will offer to take her (but most of them have other animals that would eat Frank or they get totally freaked out by birds).  I do entertain the fantasy of taking Frank along on camping trips, setting up a screen tent, and letting her enjoy a bit more freedom.  Oh what to do?

Hmmm Wrapping Paper

What do you do with pets when you travel?

Last night I dreamt that the right half of my jaw literally fell out of mouth, at first I thought it had to do with the Nova episode I watched last night about Machu Picchu (there were lots and lots of skeletons and jawbones and teeth – check it out it is awesome).  But then I got this odd sense of déjà vu like this wasn’t the first time I had dreamed this.

After spending the entire morning severely disturbed about that dream with increasing tightness in my jaw, I went to my favorite dream interpreting website, Dreamforth, and this is what they had to say.  “To dream that you break or dislocated your jaw, suggests that you are compromising your own beliefs and principles.”

I read this out loud to my boyfriend and he said, “Ahh that totally makes sense.”  And I was like, “Huh?”  And he was like, “you are totally compromising all your own goals by taking on all this other work.”  And then I was like, “Oh.”  You see I have this way of not recognizing my stresses.  My physical body notices but my mind stays oblivious.

At the end of this month it will be 6-months since I left my job to pursue grander things.  I quit my job then headed to Colorado for an internship with a magazine and then came back to Salt Lake where I have been dallying in all sorts of writing projects and self-improvement endeavors.

For some extra cash and a ski pass, I have been waiting tables a night or two a week at one of the area resorts.  Not a problem, I actually find waiting tables a blast and a nice break from the laptop and solitary writing life.

Well a week or so ago I got an email from my old boss with the subject line “Don’t kill me.”  The rest of the email read “Wow! You are doing all kinds of writing and living. Good for you. I don’t want to insult you. Do you need $$$? We just lost a coder… are you interested in part-time, out-of-office, temporary work.”  She even went on to say “you can work at home (or even in nature with a battery).”

This email demonstrates a snippet of the amazing job I gave up and how well my boss knew me.  I worked for the University of Utah and managed some grants for one amazing woman.  I ran research studies and did some statistics and database programming.  I got the most ridiculously amazing benefits (like $8/month health insurance with no deductible), discounts on tuition, total flexibility, and a great crew of co-workers, but I unfortunately outgrew the position (I must be totally insane).

The truth is I miss it.   I miss the people, I miss the stability, and I miss the structure.  Why do you always have to leave something to realize how wonderful it is?  Well actually I did know how great it was while I was there but I thought I had to leave before I got too comfortable and never gave my dreams a real shot.

So I said yes.  The work is only temporary, and I get a good chunk of cash to help me out with my summer on the road cuz as it looks I am going to need it – a few weeks in Central America, followed by a month in Hawaii, and then a month long climbing trip in the West…  Sure I am worried about how all this extra work will “compromise my principles” – but things always have there way of working out.  And hell I can earn some cash working in nature (with a battery) if I please.

And yes I just rediscovered photo booth

There I was my first year into a PhD program in Social Psychology and everything was going according to plan but something didn’t feel right.  I felt like there was something out there just outside my grasp, something bigger, something grander that I was suppose to do.

December 12, 2005 – I want to run away to a crazy mountain town and write my soul out.  I want to write about offbeat places, bizarre experiences, and amazing people I meet, and everything important to me.  Could I write?  Could I try it?  Could I just travel around soaking up all of life and making sense of it on page.

Cabo Blanco Nature Reserve

Long story short, I filed a leave of absence from graduate school and bought a ticket to Costa Rica in the same day.  In May of 2006, I traveled to Costa Rica by myself and had the most amazing, life-stoking time ever.

I returned from that trip already planning the next – I would spend the fall traveling from Guatemala to my beloved Costa Rica.  I waited tables all summer and saved every cent.  I lived on friend’s couches and in the back of my Subaru while passing the days writing at coffee shops and scheming up big plans until one day, towards the end of summer, I woke up and couldn’t move my head without feeling the room spinning wildly out of control.

I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t turn my head without projectile vomiting, I seriously thought I was dying and I didn’t even care.  I was poked, prodded and given a bunch of drugs.  Coming out of a week of heavy sedation, my world had drastically changed.

My travel fund was soon drained with ER visits, spinal taps, MRIs, and CAT scans ruling out tumors, seizures, aneurysms, and rare forms of migraines.  Over the next 3 years all that lust for life slowly fizzled out of me.

I thought I was going crazy. My world felt shaky, like I was always looking through a fun house mirror.  All my dreams of traveling were gone, hell at times I couldn’t even make it to the grocery store alone.

I sought solace in an office job, just leaving the house was an accomplishment.  I had debilitating anxiety, never knowing when the vertigo would strike. I now know that my symptoms were the result of the slow deterioration of my vestibular system due to something called Meniere’s Disease.

Finally with a diagnosis, some vestibular rehabilitation, and much encouragement from a team of Physical Therapists I slowly regained a sense of who I was before all this.

Not Freaking While Lead Climbing with Highly Dysfunctional Balance System

On September 1, 2009, I left my job (and health insurance – eek) to dedicate myself full-time to writing and travel and started off in Colorado (solo) for a magazine internship.  I still get vertigo from time to time but the episodes seem to get further and further apart and I get less incapacitated than before.  I think I am just learning how to deal better and I don’t freak as much.

My independence was strengthened this fall by traveling through the West alone, but what I really need to do now is leave the country – solo! I need to prove to myself that I can do it and use it to jumpstart that trip through all of Central American that I never got to take.

I’m still scared – scared that they really don’t know what is wrong with me, scared that someday I will start to spin and it will never stop, scared that the vertigo will strike while I am teetering on a mountain top or hiking through the rain forests of Central America alone – but I am not going to let that fear keep me from doing anything ever again.

—————————-

Inspired by recent talk about transparency and encouraged by Nomadic Matt’s and Gap Adventure’s Costa Rica contest– I was trying to find a way to discuss this top for a while now.  Can’t think of a better way than to try and win a 2-week trip to Costa Rica with Gap Adventure’s sponsored by Nomadic Matt.

Additional Meniere’s Disease Resources

Vestibular Disorders Association

Meniere’s Disease Info Center

Alternative Treatments for Meniere’s Disease

Something I like to clarify for people – there is a difference between what some people think of as dizziness (light-headedness) and full-on whirling vertigo.  Imagine being spun full speed on a Tilt O’Whirl now imagine that feeling while simply trying to sit up in bed.  Sometimes I spin so bad that I don’t know which way is up.

So starting to freak a bit – the financials are depleting at a rapid pace.  I guess it is time for some sort of financial intervention.

Good thing just the other day I heard an interview with Michelle Singletary about her book The Power to Prosper: 21 Days to Financial Freedom and I am now 10 days into her prescribed financial fast. Her rules: only buy necessities (that means no going out to eat, no stopping for coffee, no clothing, no nothing), use only cash for purchases (that means not even being able to use he debit card), and refrain from any sort of shopping (no browsing catalogs or online window shopping).

Her whole idea is that the fast sort of rewires your brain for spending.  Even if you are super frugal, you are still probably spending more money than you realize.  And that is totally the truth for me, I had thought I was the queen of thrift but now I am not so sure.  These past 10 latte-free days have been more of a challenge that I had thought… drinking water at the bar after a day on the slopes, telling the girls I can’t meet them at the wine bar, and missing one of my fave bands – oh poor me.

But it has been fun too – I hosted a Sunday brunch instead of going out (I just asked someone else to bring the champagne…), watched Nova episodes on Hulu instead of paying for a RedBox, and enjoyed my walks to the store (because after paying for gas with cash you will never want to drive again).

Damn – if I had learned to be this frugal years ago when I was actually making money I would be a kajillionaire by now.

So you all with your high paying jobs and full-time freelancer dreams – try the fast, make some changes, put away even more cash, and quit the job even faster (with way more smarts than me).  Let me know how you do!

Photo Courtesy of the US Government

Nothing like 180 unread items in my google reader, 92 unopened emails, 3 unpacked backpacks, and at least 2-weeks of unopened mail to make you feel like a total slacker.  Happy 2010.

So I ask all of you – how do you balance all of this?  Some of you have full-time jobs and also write prolifically, keep up with all that twittering, have babies, train for marathons and also appear to live seemingly interesting lives.  I need a serious time management overhaul.  I can’t seem to find time to trim my toenails and “get a haircut” has been on my list of things to do since at least last June.

I am starting 2010 off with a Time Audit to try and figure out where the hell all my time goes and I guess go from there.  Basically you keep track of what you are doing in 15 or 30-minute increments and then identify what tasks you spend the most time on and identify the time wasters.  I am very much looking forward to this task because I have seriously know idea what my time wasters are – I don’t have a TV, I’m not social media obsessed, and I don’t feel like I really waste too much time.  I know I am totally guilty of multi-tasking too much, which can make you super inefficient.  I guess we will see – I just need to figure out where all that time goes and find more time to get working on my life list.

I want to start small in 2010 – please just get a freaking haircut – your ends are disgusting.

Photo courtesy of Rei at Wikipedia

In an attempt to get both stoked about my return to Salt Lake City and the holiday season I decided to throw a holiday bash at my newly feng sui-ed ole apartment. I aptly named the gathering “decorate your own damn cookie and make your own f***ing pizza party” to reflect my holiday spirit.

Having lived an insane 12 different places in these past 8 years in Utah – I have never settled into a place long enough to put something up on a wall. Why bother, I thought, I will be out of here in a few months anyway…

The Happy Family

Since I am now going to be working mostly from home I decided to make the place a bit more warm and cozy – although that walls are still bare except for a lonely string of holiday lights. Procrastinating from my major life duties has been good for all those other more often neglected areas of my life (i.e. trips to IKEA, finally cancelled checking account that I haven’t used in 2 years, painted toenails, made 100 plus cut-out cookies).

Yummy Pizza Creations

It has been a bit crazy easing back into big city life. The traffic, the noise, and the notorious winter smog was enough to completely stifle all the stoke that blossomed in that cute little mellow Colorado mountain town. Since returning to Salt Lake, I have been well, basically – SAD.

Everyone keeps asking me what I am going to do now that I am back and for some reason it is really difficult to tell people that I am suddenly a writer. Maybe I don’t believe it myself. I’ve started looking for jobs…

I look back at my notes from those months of stoke and wonder how I can revive some of that spirit.  I look over the life list I made a month ago and choose a few things to start shooting for.  I think I really need to get back down to the desert or start making some serious plans for the spring. Oh stoke, how I need you.

Ingenious Thinking After Running out of Mixers

So I started small, I rearranged my house to carve out some workspace, bought a desk and a bookshelf, made a shit ton of cut-out cookies, strung some lights, bought a huge bottle of vodka, and invited over nearly everyone I knew.

Not one to throw a party, this impromptu bash was a hit.

Cookie sprinkles were tossed every which way, drinks were spilled, dogs passed out on my bed, holiday songs were sang with drunken fervor, and new drinks were invented as fresh juice was squeezed out of my garlic press.

Happy Holidays to y’all!

And a stoke filled New Year too!

I have been working on my life list for a while but was motivated to post it after reading A Life Well Lived: Developing a Personal Manifesto and downing half a bottle of red.  There is something about red wine that fuels internal reflection followed by copious amounts of tears.

I have recently made some huge life changes and I admit am having a bit of difficulty with all this new found freedom.  I feel a bit scattered, unfocused, and distracted.  Working on my own manifesto can perhaps help me commit more firmly to creating that creative life I so desire.  I really like the idea of crossing out items as I go.  I think creating a personal manifesto will remind me of all the reasons I chose this path in the first place.  For ideas on how to create your own personal manifesto see Gwen Bell’s inspiring piece on How to Create Your Personal Manifesto.

Here are 100+ things I would like to do before well – leaving this life:

Knit a beanie – Tap dance – Spin fire – Run an ultramarthon – Get braces – Learn Spanish – Perform with a bluegrass band – Adopt a homeless pup – Go on a meditation retreat – Get married – Live in a cabin without electricity – Have a bookshelf with a ladder on it – Make dandelion wine – Have a garden- Learn how to can vegetables – Do a pull up – Write a song – Learn how to Irish dance – Bake a pie – Be my own best friend – Write a book – Don’t revert to cubicle life – Take violin lessons – Volunteer on an organic farm – Be able to take 2 steps on a slack line – Buy a hula hoop – Finish the Artist’s Way – Highlight my hair – Go on a 3-month long road trip – Be a camp host – Volunteer at an orphanage – Walk barefoot in a French vineyard – Visit New York City – Get a Master’s Degree in something fun – Cycle through Scotland – Deep water solo – Do a multi-pitch route – Run a road marathon – Attend Burning Man – Paraglide – Hike through Patagonia – Visit a Tibetan Monastary – Author a Lonely Planet guidebook – Lounge on beaches in the Dominican Republic – Hike the Na Pali Coast Trail – Drink a Guinness in an Irish Pub – Work at a National Park – Live somewhere where in the winter you have to ski to your door – Tell a story on This American Life – Volunteer a weekend at Best Friends Animal Sanctuary – Cross a border in a smuggler’s truck – Read all of The People’s History of the United States – Backpack a 200+mile trail – Lead 5.11 – Live in another country for at least 6 months – Eat noodles in Thailand – Ski in New Zealand – Rock Climb in Potrero Chico – Be in Mexico on el Dia de los Muertos – Visit Salvador Dali’s museum – Trek to Machu Picchu – Hike France’s 100-mile GR20 trail – Spend a weekend in Portland – Visit Michael Heizer’s Earthworks in Nevada – Visit Frida’s home in Mexico City – Have my very own cappuccino machine – Have a job that betters people’s lives – Run through a cornfield – Have a hammock in the backyard – Sip cocktails on a porch swing when I am 70 – Watch ever episode of the Muppets – Give birth – Drive to Alaska – See the giant Redwoods – Raft down the Salmon River – Go on an archeological dig – Do an adventure race – Throw my parents an anniversary bash – Get a hot stone massage

I am obsessed, thoroughly desert obsessed.  With all the money I have spent traveling nearly every weekend to the remarkably beautiful Utah desert I could have surely by now saved up for a year abroad.  My travel lust list is so long it almost stresses me out – so much that I have to add places I have already been to the list so I can check them off and make it look like I have actually been somewhere.

Sure there are so many places I would like to travel to but my heart is so solidly stuck on the red rock canyonlands of Southern Utah.  I can travel just a little over 3 hours and be in the most awe-inspiring, core-shaking wildest of places.  The desert either gets you or it doesn’t.  If it does your dreams will be filled with hoo doos, dizzingly steep cliffs, shadows of junipers cast on towering red rock walls, innumerable canyons… and you return again and again and realize there is no amount of exploration that can fulfill that desert hunger.

Arches National Park

I remember this story I don’t remember where I heard it or really any of the details, but a woman –a government official type– looked at a map of Utah and pointed to a spot in the middle and said, “That is it, there is nothing there.  This is where we will store all our that hazardous waste.”  She steps out of a helicopter in the middle of the land she thought was nothing and ready to destroy – but was completely taken aback at the amazing landscape around her and simple said, “I am sorry, I had no idea.”

Oh if I could only put into words what that desert does to me like the beloved Terry Tempest Williams in her book Red: Passion and Patience in the Desert. In RED, Williams finds the perfect words to describe the many shades of red in the canyon country of southern Utah, a place that she also cherishes close to her heart and fights with all her strength to protect.

“The Canyons of southern Utah are giving birth to a Coyote Clan – hundreds, maybe thousands of individuals who are quietly subversive on behalf of the land.  And they are infiltrating out neighborhoods in the most respectable ways, with their long, bushy tails tucked discreetly inside their pants or beneath their skirts… They understand that beauty is not found in the excessive but in what is lean and spare and subtle.”

~ Terry Tempest Williams from RED

Views From Dead Horse Point State Park

It really wasn’t until this weekend that something totally dawned on me.  Why don’t I just move there – I have no real job, expectations, or even desire to get back to Salt Lake City. Sure there is the dearly loved BF – but maybe we can find a way to make this distance thing finally work.  What if there was a way I could split my time between both places?

I find myself yet again in a state of change – one opportunity finishing and my next direction yet to be determined.  The idea of stepping out every day on to the trails surrounding Moab just fills me with absolute delight.  Winter in the desert – oh my.  I could get to know the area as much more than a transient guest –explore less-traveled canyons, befriend the locals, find seldom visited ruins, contribute more to the movements that are trying to protect this rugged yet fragile environment.

Backpacking in the Needles District of Canyonlands

Oh but will it lose its allure if I am to make the place my home?  Will it lose the overwhelming healing powers I feel when I visit?  So much to be decided.

The desert is calling me and I think I finally need to listen.