Dirtbag Writer

Uncertainty and Anxiety: Only 3 Weeks To Go

Posted on 10. Aug, 2009 by Writer in On Living

Weeks of stoke just diminished into fragile lethargy.  Words and thoughts and motivations all dried up.  I have done little in terms of preparation.  Bizarre-o melancholy settling in. Suddenly spending money like I will never have it again.  Lingering a little to long in bed each morning.  Opening a few too many bottles of Red. Second guessing my dreams, goals, and needs.   Thinking more practically than dreaming about all my options and freedoms to come.  Wondering if stability is actually important to me rather than longing for the open road and those blessed uncertainties. Worrying that exhaustion is a symptom of some terrible disease that will drain my hard earned resources when I enter the land of the barely insured…

When making difficult life-altering changes – I highly recommend delving right in. Making the decision was definitely not the hard part.  Rather the crazy-causing part has been having the last 2 1/2 months to reconsider that decision every single day rather than jumping right into that new life I had been craving.  With three weeks left, the mixed bag of anxieties, excitement, and uncertainties may be enough to render me unresponsive for weeks after turning in my key card.

At least I can’t totally flake out and go back on my plan.  My replacement has already been hired and “Colorado” is expecting me by September 14th.  To bail now would leave me in rougher shape than going ahead with the plan.

In seeking motivation I turned to my old stack of weathered journals.

December 12, 2005 – I want to run away to a crazy mountain town and write my soul out.  I want to write about offbeat places, bizarre experiences, amazing people I meet, and everything important to me.  Could I write?  Could I try it?  Could I just travel around like some crazy bum – soaking up all of life and making sense of it on page.

Nearly four yeas later and I am finally going to give it a try.

What keeps you from taking the leap?